Dave the zombie has moved. He now has a new home which can be found here along with some zombiehaiku and possibly more zombie related stuff in the future. Thank you for reading. 🙂
Archive for the ‘Dave The Zombie’ Category
Dave the zombie was tidying some papers in his home. Most of the items were bills, but amongst the envelopes was a handwritten note on quality paper. Dave looked at the date on the postmark and saw that it had been here for a few weeks. He opened it by sliding his finger along the edge. He then stuck his finger back onto his hand with a staple gun.
The envelope contained an invitation to a Halloween party. Dave the zombie looked at the calendar and realised that Halloween was today. He looked at the time that the party started. He only had a few hours to try to come up with a costume.
He looked up the numbers of some local costume shops from the phonebook but they had told him that they had either run out of costumes or only had a few remaining. Dave the zombie was NOT going to a party dressed as an estate agent or high court judge. There was no option; he would have to create his own costume.
After wasting a few hours trying to come up with an idea, he decided to go for an old classic. He found an old sheet, cut out some holes for the eyes and set off to the party.
Dave the zombie enjoyed the party but would have enjoyed it more if people hadn’t kept stepping on his sheet and revealing the non-ghost beneath. He also had to remove the sheet as he bobbed for apples which he found especially tricky as his teeth kept getting stuck in the bobbing fruit. He was declared the winner after his fellow finalist took a funny turn after she bobbed for what she thought was an apple but turned out to be Dave the zombie’s right eyeball.
The time had come to announce the winner of the best costume.
In third place was a girl who had made her face pure white, added some fangs and a trickle of blood. Dave the zombie wasn’t impressed, far from looking like a sinister vampire, she looked like someone who required a bib when eating.
In second place was someone who had painted their face green and had a fake bolt in their neck. Dave the zombie was surprised to find out he was supposed to be Frankenstein’s monster, he had thought he was a seasick crewman from a haunted ship.
But now was the time to announce the big winner. Although it had been a last-minute creation, Dave the zombie was sure that his ghost costume would win.
“And the winner is…”
“Dave, the caped zombie”
WHAT!!! thought Dave the zombie. I’m a GHOST, isn’t that obvious?
The host approached Dave the zombie to hand him his prize. Dave the zombie could contain himself no longer. He chomped down on the host’s brain and stormed out.
He pushed the trolley into the store. Since becoming one of the undead, Dave’s tastes in food had changed dramatically. Gone were the spicy foods and foods rich with garlic and herbs and in their place were bland ready meals. Dave wasn’t sure if he needed food or if he just ate out of habit. He grabbed several pre-packaged stick-in-the-microwave meals and headed to the checkout.
This is where the trouble started…
Dave put all the items on the conveyor belt and brought out his credit card to pay for the items. He keyed in his number. And waited. And waited some more. Nothing happened for a few moments. The cashier looked up at Dave suspiciously.
“Do you have any other form of payment? The machine doesn’t like your card.”
Dave rummaged in his wallet. The cashier caught a wiff of Dave’s rotting flesh and her hand slipped to the emergency button and pressed it.
A security guard came over.
“Is everything alright?” he asked the cashier.
“His card didn’t work in the machine and he smells funny” said the cashier trying not to breath any of the awful stench emanating from Dave.
“Could you come with me sir” said the guard and took hold of Dave’s arm. He was most surprised when the rest of Dave didn’t come with it.
“Urghhhhh Ugg Urghhhhh Urghhhhh arrrr” said Dave meaning “Do you mind, but that’s my arm you have just ripped off”.
The guard gestured with the severed limb in a follow me gesture.
Dave left the groceries and followed the security guard.
Dave was taken to a small room and told to wait there. The guard left the severed limb in the room with Dave and left to search for the store manager. When he had gone, Dave reattached his arm using some sticky tape that was in a tape dispenser on the desk that was in the room.
After a few minutes the door opened and a middle-aged balding, slightly overweight man entered the room. He walked to the other side of the desk and sat down. Dave couldn’t tell if it was the milkyness of his eyes but the man appeared to be entirely gray.
“Good day to you sir” he sneered with a rather nasal voice.
“Urrrrrrgh” replied Dave.
“Can you tell me where you got the card that you tried to pay with?”
“Ug, Urrrrrgg hggggrph, arrrrrggggh” said Dave meaning”it was given to me by my bank”.
“That’s all well and good” said the manager completely ignoring Dave “but this card belongs to someone who is now deceased” he said with a smirk. “It’s your bad luck that whatever scumbag stole this card and sold it to you didn’t do his homework” he said, a smile on his face. He was in full bad cop mode. He wanted to gloat and get Dave to confess before the real police arrived. “Tell me who sold this card to you or I’ll let the police know you weren’t being…co-operative”.
“Urrr hrrrrrst grrrrrraffffggg” said Dave, more than a little agitated.
“Don’t give me that” snarled the manager “you come into my store and try to pay using some poor dead bloke’s card, what kind of scumbag are you?” he prodded Dave with his finger, it made a hole in Dave’s chest.
Dave had decided that he’d had enough.
“Mmmmmmmm” he said, meaning “that store manager’s brain tasted much better than microwavable macaroni”.